On The Run ... The Most Revolting Link - Rosanne Hurly
CHARACTERS
Presenter - Madam Muck
TV license Man - Fanie
SARS Man - Koos
Conway Woman - Tracy
Victim - Toothless wonder (Tracy’s victim)
Victim - Fat Frumpy (Fanie’s victim)
Victim - Nervous Nut (Koos’s victim)
(The stage is set like a TV games show. Characters TV license man, SARS man and Conway woman each stand behind their podiums. Presenter-Madam Muck is in front of them)
MADAME MUCK
Hello dear hearts … I’m Madam Muck and welcome to ‘On the run- the most revolting link’ the reality series of our decade. The aim is to vote out the most revolting link. Break my heart - why don’t you? Tonight we’ll find out what all South Africans have in common. Oh wait ... let me think? Oh yes ... we all hate this panel. And now lets give the panel an opportunity to introduce their rather unattractive selves.
FANIE
Good evening, my name is Fanie and I work for the SABC television licensing department in KwaZulu Natal. Well I come really from Pretoria but then I got laid off the job there where I working for my brother-in-laws cousin. He was in the spares business but then he didn’t employ enough blacks so he said I must go because I didn’t have no skills and a black person must do my job. That’s why I came down to KwaZulu and now I am staying by my step-sister and her husband. I like my job but the only thing is that sometimes people are very rude- especially when they is watching ‘Days of our lives’ and ‘The Bold and Beautiful’ and ‘Isidingo’. Sometimes they just shout at me and say they hasn’t got TV and slam the door in my face and then I report them to the licensing department because I know they is lying to me. They think I’m a nobody but I got dreams as well. One day I want to market that stone- you know that stone that some peoples also has on the kitchen counter but I want to make it into tomb stones.
MADAM MUCK
Well audience enough said - who’s more hated than Sheryl Devillers Haynes and Brook Logan?
Whose personality would depress a grave yard?
KOOS
I am Koos Van Staden and I am an auditor for the South African Revenue Services in KwaZulu. I take my position extremely seriously. Very few people take enough interest in their tax affairs. It is my job to stamp out corruption. Peoples that claim they are driving for business but you would be surprised how many times I have caught these individuals catching the bus to work. Some peoples will stop at nothing to break the tax law. They make ridiculous claims and then cry ignorance and ignorance is no excuse. This one woman claimed an exhaust pipe and then couldn’t even produce the slip but showed us this credit card report from that tyre and exhaust place. Do they think I’m stupid? I said to her: ‘Lady how do I know you didn’t buy your son a new scooter instead of an exhaust?’ I’m on to these evaders. You’d be interested to know how many people tell me important information when I’m fishing. They’re all relaxed there by the rocks drinking a couple of beers – that’s why I’m a member of the fishing club. The thing is as I always say my job is just like fishing. I don’t go for the big shark- they bite and don’t taste so good. I like to catch those little fish. They’re nice and juicy on the braai with a cold castle.
MADAM MUCK
And to think he’s a public servant? Anyone fancy being tossed on the braai and drizzled with a marinade of cold beer?
TRACY
Hi ... thank you Madam Muck for this opportunity to speak to these lovely people. My name is Tracy and I’m just so excited about being here tonight. I Just want to share with you a really dynamic way of making money and just realising all those dreams. I’ll just tell you a little about me. I’m a medical doctor and so is my husband John. We’ve got two little girls aged two and four. Yes we love them dearly and we’re just like any other parents. We want to give them everything we can. But you know in this day and age everything is just so expensive. We don’t just want to work all day and never have time to enjoy our girls and family life. I’m going to tell you tonight a solution to all your time management problems. You know I’m so thrilled because my whole life has changed. After I’ve spoken tonight some of you will say yes Tracy tell us how we can get involved so that we can also realise our dreams or you might say ‘I’ve got more questions’ and that’s fine. I’ll be here to guide you and go through it step by step with you.
Some people are very anti network marketing but I’m here to tell you it works. It just does. Whatever you’ve heard about it just put it out of your mind because Amway has perfected the system. This is a product that works. Everyone needs it. In the year 2006 we’ve projected that you as an individual involved in this network marketing system could be making R60 000 a month. Now image how many smart cars you could buy with that- oh I admit my weakness- I just love those smart cars.
MADAM MUCK
Oh puke….
Stop now before an audience member runs over you and your smart car with a fork lift vehicle.
Now onto some rather simple questions- no doubt no-skills required so Fanie might be able to answer them.
Start the clock..
Tracy describe your most exciting experience in a sentence please
TRACY
That’s easy, the evening my friend Chantal took me to my very first Amway meeting and..
MADAM MUCK
Did I say short sentence – well that’s what I meant
Koos why don’t you titillate the audience with yours.
KOOS
Ja well it’s difficult to say but I’d say..
MADAM MUCK
You seem to have rather a lot to say without saying anything..get on with it..
KOOS
Well as I was saying..I think it was the time sardine run down the south coast and these three ou’s that was in business together were spilling the beans about how they evade their taxes..
MADAM MUCK
This sentence is becoming rather lengthy. Fanie please share something more interesting with us please.
FANIE
Madam Muck the most exciting experience of my life is the day Tanie Marie from down the street made me a whole box of koeksusters for my tenth birthday. They were so lekker hey and
MADAM MUCK
Please stick to the one sister.. oops I mean sentence…obviously got a little carried away. Oops again…what an exciting sharing moment for you Fanie.
And now for the question the audience is dying to ask- Tell us one at a time why you think you have been chosen as a contestant for ‘On the run - the most revolting link?’
(Sudden loud bang, followed by dramatic and brightly coloured smoke. Three characters huddle under a dirty old blanket, dressed in old tattered clothes. They are very dirty)
MADAM MUCK
How irregular..and yet strangely interesting…the victim machine has landed earlier than expected. I’m unexpectantly aroused or is that a hot flush?
(Three characters emerge from under the blanket. The first, a small man with a toothless smile unmistakably of mixed race and probably from the Cape, a large middle aged woman and a very small, terrified looking emaciated Indian woman holding a recorder musical instrument.)
TOOTHLESS WONDER
Jy called Madam Muck?
MADAM MUCK
Hardly..we’re still busy here toothless wonder.
TOOTHLESS WONDER
When jy roep ons come running just to check jy and jou sexy black dress.
MADAM MUCK
I do apologise audience. It would seem the victim machine has arrived earlier than expected and with the victims ensconced.
Perhaps we should start introductions with the fat frumpy one.
FAT FRUMPY
Madam Muck I am very pleased to have the opportunity to argue my case- especially on the SABC TV. I was an unemployed widow, minding my own business staying at home passing the time away eating butter microwave popcorn and Big corn bites and watching my favourite soaps- especially the ‘Bold and the Beautiful’ I like that Brook and that Sally Spectra. They are all so glamourous..
MADAM MUCK
Oh get on with it you stupid victim..
FAT FRUMPY
Anyhow that fateful day he ( points accusingly at TV license man who cringes) came banging on my door.
FANIE
No I didn’t Ma’m , I rang the door bell. I remember it clearly because it played Jingle Bells and it wasn’t even Christmas.
MADAM MUCK
Oh shut up and let the victim ramble on ….
FAT FRUMPY
Anyhow as I was saying..Brook was marrying Thorn and my word she wore such a beautiful dress..and the next thing I knew he (points again at license man) was demanding to see my TV license. I quickly closed the door terrified he might attack me and hid behind the curtain. I stayed there fearing for my life for two days and two nights hardly daring to breathe. I know what they tell us on the TV. There’s a lawyer and he has your name and….that lawyer on the TV looks very frightening and I knew it wouldn’t be long before he(points again at license man) would come back with him and he did. They broke my door down and when they couldn’t see me asked if anyone was home. I was so afraid I could hear my own heart beat. I spoke out bravely and said: No-one is here. Go away, you are wasting your time. Then he (points again) and the lawyer laughed and the lawyer said: Next time you vacate your home perhaps you should take your shoes with you. It was only then that I realised that my shoes were showing below the hem of the curtain.
MADAM MUCK
Oh I’m bored again..
TOOTHLESS WONDER
Hey Madam Muck eks got a thing or two to say…
MADAM MUCK
I’m sure ….go on..
TOOTHLESS WONDER
Eks minding my own business, the one my klein boet Shortie and me was doing with the epples. Ons has got all the bags nice and neat there by the station – the epples on the side and the banana bags on the either side- then that lady(points to Conway lady) comes walking past and Shortie says; ‘Hey Cherie want some of our cherries?’ He’s like that jy know, he’s not very polite so I go after that lady and give her a nice bag of epples and say sorry on account of Shortie chaffing her.
Hey.. sy smile so nice and gese sy could mos sien that ek was a business man with potential and ek must come they by the methodist hall in Gardens and learn all about Business.
Sy het gese that ek would make stacks of geld if ek mos came there by the hall.
FROM HERE
*SARS victim still to talk
*Alliance between Conway and SARS- on condition that he doesn’t expose the money she’s earned from Conway and hasn’t admitted to on her tax returns.
*romance between Toothless wonder and Madam Muck
*Ultimate winner - SARS
Presenter - Madam Muck
TV license Man - Fanie
SARS Man - Koos
Conway Woman - Tracy
Victim - Toothless wonder (Tracy’s victim)
Victim - Fat Frumpy (Fanie’s victim)
Victim - Nervous Nut (Koos’s victim)
(The stage is set like a TV games show. Characters TV license man, SARS man and Conway woman each stand behind their podiums. Presenter-Madam Muck is in front of them)
MADAME MUCK
Hello dear hearts … I’m Madam Muck and welcome to ‘On the run- the most revolting link’ the reality series of our decade. The aim is to vote out the most revolting link. Break my heart - why don’t you? Tonight we’ll find out what all South Africans have in common. Oh wait ... let me think? Oh yes ... we all hate this panel. And now lets give the panel an opportunity to introduce their rather unattractive selves.
FANIE
Good evening, my name is Fanie and I work for the SABC television licensing department in KwaZulu Natal. Well I come really from Pretoria but then I got laid off the job there where I working for my brother-in-laws cousin. He was in the spares business but then he didn’t employ enough blacks so he said I must go because I didn’t have no skills and a black person must do my job. That’s why I came down to KwaZulu and now I am staying by my step-sister and her husband. I like my job but the only thing is that sometimes people are very rude- especially when they is watching ‘Days of our lives’ and ‘The Bold and Beautiful’ and ‘Isidingo’. Sometimes they just shout at me and say they hasn’t got TV and slam the door in my face and then I report them to the licensing department because I know they is lying to me. They think I’m a nobody but I got dreams as well. One day I want to market that stone- you know that stone that some peoples also has on the kitchen counter but I want to make it into tomb stones.
MADAM MUCK
Well audience enough said - who’s more hated than Sheryl Devillers Haynes and Brook Logan?
Whose personality would depress a grave yard?
KOOS
I am Koos Van Staden and I am an auditor for the South African Revenue Services in KwaZulu. I take my position extremely seriously. Very few people take enough interest in their tax affairs. It is my job to stamp out corruption. Peoples that claim they are driving for business but you would be surprised how many times I have caught these individuals catching the bus to work. Some peoples will stop at nothing to break the tax law. They make ridiculous claims and then cry ignorance and ignorance is no excuse. This one woman claimed an exhaust pipe and then couldn’t even produce the slip but showed us this credit card report from that tyre and exhaust place. Do they think I’m stupid? I said to her: ‘Lady how do I know you didn’t buy your son a new scooter instead of an exhaust?’ I’m on to these evaders. You’d be interested to know how many people tell me important information when I’m fishing. They’re all relaxed there by the rocks drinking a couple of beers – that’s why I’m a member of the fishing club. The thing is as I always say my job is just like fishing. I don’t go for the big shark- they bite and don’t taste so good. I like to catch those little fish. They’re nice and juicy on the braai with a cold castle.
MADAM MUCK
And to think he’s a public servant? Anyone fancy being tossed on the braai and drizzled with a marinade of cold beer?
TRACY
Hi ... thank you Madam Muck for this opportunity to speak to these lovely people. My name is Tracy and I’m just so excited about being here tonight. I Just want to share with you a really dynamic way of making money and just realising all those dreams. I’ll just tell you a little about me. I’m a medical doctor and so is my husband John. We’ve got two little girls aged two and four. Yes we love them dearly and we’re just like any other parents. We want to give them everything we can. But you know in this day and age everything is just so expensive. We don’t just want to work all day and never have time to enjoy our girls and family life. I’m going to tell you tonight a solution to all your time management problems. You know I’m so thrilled because my whole life has changed. After I’ve spoken tonight some of you will say yes Tracy tell us how we can get involved so that we can also realise our dreams or you might say ‘I’ve got more questions’ and that’s fine. I’ll be here to guide you and go through it step by step with you.
Some people are very anti network marketing but I’m here to tell you it works. It just does. Whatever you’ve heard about it just put it out of your mind because Amway has perfected the system. This is a product that works. Everyone needs it. In the year 2006 we’ve projected that you as an individual involved in this network marketing system could be making R60 000 a month. Now image how many smart cars you could buy with that- oh I admit my weakness- I just love those smart cars.
MADAM MUCK
Oh puke….
Stop now before an audience member runs over you and your smart car with a fork lift vehicle.
Now onto some rather simple questions- no doubt no-skills required so Fanie might be able to answer them.
Start the clock..
Tracy describe your most exciting experience in a sentence please
TRACY
That’s easy, the evening my friend Chantal took me to my very first Amway meeting and..
MADAM MUCK
Did I say short sentence – well that’s what I meant
Koos why don’t you titillate the audience with yours.
KOOS
Ja well it’s difficult to say but I’d say..
MADAM MUCK
You seem to have rather a lot to say without saying anything..get on with it..
KOOS
Well as I was saying..I think it was the time sardine run down the south coast and these three ou’s that was in business together were spilling the beans about how they evade their taxes..
MADAM MUCK
This sentence is becoming rather lengthy. Fanie please share something more interesting with us please.
FANIE
Madam Muck the most exciting experience of my life is the day Tanie Marie from down the street made me a whole box of koeksusters for my tenth birthday. They were so lekker hey and
MADAM MUCK
Please stick to the one sister.. oops I mean sentence…obviously got a little carried away. Oops again…what an exciting sharing moment for you Fanie.
And now for the question the audience is dying to ask- Tell us one at a time why you think you have been chosen as a contestant for ‘On the run - the most revolting link?’
(Sudden loud bang, followed by dramatic and brightly coloured smoke. Three characters huddle under a dirty old blanket, dressed in old tattered clothes. They are very dirty)
MADAM MUCK
How irregular..and yet strangely interesting…the victim machine has landed earlier than expected. I’m unexpectantly aroused or is that a hot flush?
(Three characters emerge from under the blanket. The first, a small man with a toothless smile unmistakably of mixed race and probably from the Cape, a large middle aged woman and a very small, terrified looking emaciated Indian woman holding a recorder musical instrument.)
TOOTHLESS WONDER
Jy called Madam Muck?
MADAM MUCK
Hardly..we’re still busy here toothless wonder.
TOOTHLESS WONDER
When jy roep ons come running just to check jy and jou sexy black dress.
MADAM MUCK
I do apologise audience. It would seem the victim machine has arrived earlier than expected and with the victims ensconced.
Perhaps we should start introductions with the fat frumpy one.
FAT FRUMPY
Madam Muck I am very pleased to have the opportunity to argue my case- especially on the SABC TV. I was an unemployed widow, minding my own business staying at home passing the time away eating butter microwave popcorn and Big corn bites and watching my favourite soaps- especially the ‘Bold and the Beautiful’ I like that Brook and that Sally Spectra. They are all so glamourous..
MADAM MUCK
Oh get on with it you stupid victim..
FAT FRUMPY
Anyhow that fateful day he ( points accusingly at TV license man who cringes) came banging on my door.
FANIE
No I didn’t Ma’m , I rang the door bell. I remember it clearly because it played Jingle Bells and it wasn’t even Christmas.
MADAM MUCK
Oh shut up and let the victim ramble on ….
FAT FRUMPY
Anyhow as I was saying..Brook was marrying Thorn and my word she wore such a beautiful dress..and the next thing I knew he (points again at license man) was demanding to see my TV license. I quickly closed the door terrified he might attack me and hid behind the curtain. I stayed there fearing for my life for two days and two nights hardly daring to breathe. I know what they tell us on the TV. There’s a lawyer and he has your name and….that lawyer on the TV looks very frightening and I knew it wouldn’t be long before he(points again at license man) would come back with him and he did. They broke my door down and when they couldn’t see me asked if anyone was home. I was so afraid I could hear my own heart beat. I spoke out bravely and said: No-one is here. Go away, you are wasting your time. Then he (points again) and the lawyer laughed and the lawyer said: Next time you vacate your home perhaps you should take your shoes with you. It was only then that I realised that my shoes were showing below the hem of the curtain.
MADAM MUCK
Oh I’m bored again..
TOOTHLESS WONDER
Hey Madam Muck eks got a thing or two to say…
MADAM MUCK
I’m sure ….go on..
TOOTHLESS WONDER
Eks minding my own business, the one my klein boet Shortie and me was doing with the epples. Ons has got all the bags nice and neat there by the station – the epples on the side and the banana bags on the either side- then that lady(points to Conway lady) comes walking past and Shortie says; ‘Hey Cherie want some of our cherries?’ He’s like that jy know, he’s not very polite so I go after that lady and give her a nice bag of epples and say sorry on account of Shortie chaffing her.
Hey.. sy smile so nice and gese sy could mos sien that ek was a business man with potential and ek must come they by the methodist hall in Gardens and learn all about Business.
Sy het gese that ek would make stacks of geld if ek mos came there by the hall.
FROM HERE
*SARS victim still to talk
*Alliance between Conway and SARS- on condition that he doesn’t expose the money she’s earned from Conway and hasn’t admitted to on her tax returns.
*romance between Toothless wonder and Madam Muck
*Ultimate winner - SARS
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