Koeksusters and Galajabes Stuck in Funky Town - Rosanne Hurly

CHARACTERS:
An Aromatherapist
A Catholic girl
Hindu Male artist
Hindu Re-born Christian
Young-at-heart Afrikaans lady
Single Muslim Man
Nozi- the Waitress

Narrator: Once upon a time there lived 6 characters- An Aromatherapist, a Hindu male artist, a catholic girl, a Hindu girl turned re-born christian, a young at heart Afrikaans woman and a single Muslim by birth turned atheist man. They got together one night for a dinner party at some place called Funky Town. They had nothing in common. Just the friend.

(Characters circle around the telephone which is over-sized. They are in a restaurant. A large neon sign above reads Funky Town.)

(A= Aromatherapist C= Catholic girl AFR= Afrikaans woman S= Single muslim man RE: Reborn Christian H= Hindu male artist N= Nozi)

A: Wonder where she is?
C: Perhaps we should phone?
AFR: Don’t bother …
C: She’s always late
AFR: No she isn’t
S: She didn’t want to come you know…
RE: Why not?
H: She hates crowds- so do I.
RE: Why did you come then?
H: The Universe sent me.
A: It’s the choices we make that determine the experiences.
AFR: I choose to fuck a Rabbi- There is no choice.
S: You could choose to fuck me instead.
AFR: Why would I do that?
C: To fulfil his fantasy.
RE: I hate waiting. I’m going to phone.

(Phone rings)

RE: Yes. When? What time? They’re all here. Didn’t you get the email I sent? Okay..bye….She’s on her way.
AFR: I haven’t had an orgasm in weeks.
C: It just irritates me. She knows we’re all here waiting.
A: I love my orgasm. No obligation, no emotion. No ties to the person.
H: I battle not to tie my emotions in with my sex life.
A: Why not satisfy yourself?
AFR: I’m sharing a man.
RE: That’s not the way God intended it.
C: Where the hell is she?
S: Do you think it’s true what the papers are saying?
AFR: You mean about the Bishop and Muslim female Activist?
C: Sensationalism….and even if it were true..Give them a break ..they are only human.
AFR: Human? They have imposed the values on themselves. If they break them it really is their indaba.
S: So the pope’s Duracel batteries finally ran out
C: It’s a sad day for the church
A: But is it really? He wasn’t exactly progressive
C: Depends what you term progressive
H: No women allowed in positions of power, not allowing contraception in a world that is over-populated and in AIDS pandemic.
RE: His position isn’t biblical
C: Yes it is, he is God’s representative on earth- Jesus said to Peter: ‘You are Peter and on this rock I will build my church’
RE: Yes, but he didn’t mention then that the rock should be called a pope and that he would be infallible.
AFR: What the fuck does that word actually mean? A human being infallible? Nonsense.
S: Infallible- let me define- a small man or a puppet on a string run by a political council in the Vatican by remote control
C: How dare you
A: Oh cool down, he’s a right to his opinion
C: But how would you like it if we spoke about an Islamic leader like that?
S: As you know, I’m a Muslim by culture not religion
RE: I just have a big problem with calling a person infallible
C: You’ve all taken it out of context. The person is not infallible. As God’s representative on earth, he makes inspired decisions which might become infallible. Not everything he says is infallible.
H: Strange religion and frankly I’m surprised you support such a sexist narrow minded regime..you’re thinking people.
A: God is intense good energy and our human brains are far too small to comprehend the real greatness that does exist in the universe
S: Oh great, here comes the crystals and energy crap…
RE: God sent down his only son to save us and now we have the bible as our guide so of course we can comprehend his greatness
C: The point we catholics need to make is that the pope is the devine representative on earth because he is voted in by God.
S: How the hell does God do that?
AFR: Okay let her finish
C: He is voted in after weeks of praying
S: And of course politics don’t ever play a part?
C: What are you insinuating?
H: Chill out
C: Did you know that Pope John Paul fought for freedom of religious speech against the Communist regime that existed in Poland and..
S: Convincing the wrong person chickie…I am a communist.
AFR: Surely you believe in freedom of speech
S: People need to follow something because basically people are sheep so it doesn’t have to be a God religion. Look at her…she chases crystals around …(points at the aromatherapist)
H: It will be interesting to see though where the next pope will come from..
S: Tell you what…if he comes from somewhere un-PC like 1st world America or England I’ll believe that he was elected by a divine being.
AFR: I bet he’ll come from Africa or somewhere in South America.
C: They don’t elect to be PC
S: Of course they do. You’ve just said that the previous pope came from a communist block country. It was PC 26 years ago to elect an ex-communist block cardinal.
C: Look, I’ll admit that I would like to see a more liberal pope elected.
S: Well you haven’t a hope
AFR: Why not?
S: Because during his lifetime the pope hand picks his successor by only selecting conservative cardinals.
A: It’s getting late, I wonder where she is.
AFR: Yes this is late, perhaps she’s not coming
RE: I’ll phone her again
H: Don’t there’s no point
RE: Why not?
H: She won’t come
C: Why are we all here then?
RE: We’ve nothing in common
A: Perhaps we do. The universe doesn’t make mistakes
S: Oh the universal energy called God
AFR: Shut up. Let’s get past this subject please

NARRATOR: By now the characters have talked in circles, no-one convincing anyone. You, dear audience must be wondering why you bothered to come tonight. Surely you had something better to do- socks to knit or furniture to polish? The truth is you had to be here tonight. ‘It’s not for us to reason why’ or Is it?

RE: So how long shall we wait here?
A: Let’s order
C: Might be rude to order before she gets here
H: Told you she isn’t coming
S: How do you know? Did she tell you?
H: No
AFR: Well how the hell do you know then?
H: I don’t know anything
RE: Except that she’s not coming
H: True
AF: I think she must have done this on purpose
C: What?
AFR: Put us here on the spot
C: That makes no sense
RE: Let’s play a game
A: Why?
C: To pass the time
RE: How about Charades? At church we…
S: Strip poker. Do you do that at church? I’d like to do it with you.
RE: I’m so tired of your lurid insinuations. You’re keen to let people think for themselves but….
S: You haven’t been listening very well. I’m a communist. People need to be told what to think.
A: I’d like to play strip poker
AFR: Great fun
C: I’m hungry
RE: So let’s order
C: Isn’t that rude
RE: It’s rude to invite people to a place and then not show up.
H: It’s not like her
AFR: Yes it is
S: I don’t know that I even like her
H: Why are you here then?
S: Same reason you’re here. I slept with her once.
AFR: So are we going to play strip poker?
C: I think we should order some garlic bread
A: When did my glass empty? Shall we order two more bottles?
AFR: This wine was a little rough
A: Okay so we’ll get the merlot..

NARRATOR:
And so our characters banter on- really getting no-where and saying nothing. By now you’re resisting the urge to peer through the looking glass and see if there’s something deeper that you’ve missed or you’re looking at your watch wishing you had taped that programme you watch at 9.30.

(Telephone rings. All characters lean forward. Re-born answers it)

RE: Hello..yes, yes…where exactly did you say you are ..you’re breaking up..the N what? When will you get here? Hello hello…
H: Don’t know why she bothers to phone when she isn’t coming
RE: Of course she’s coming. She just said so.
C: But the phone went dead
RE: But she was about to tell me when she would be here.
C: So let’s get some garlic bread
A: Look at this menu- there’s dead chicken listed under the Vegetarian menu
RE: Some vegetarians eat chicken. I used to eat chicken when I was a Vegetarian
H: Well then you were never a Vegetarian
A: I see that bloody flesh you eat now. How can someone who has ‘seen the light’ go back to eating that stuff?
RE: Are you saying I don’t care?
S: Yes I think she is- must say though that I’m very fond of bacon
C: Are Muslims supposed to eat bacon?
H: Of course not
S: Whose Muslim?
AFR: I’m ordering the Morrocan salad
C: R40? It’s a rip off
AFR: I don’t care. It’s what I want.
A: It’s not good to eat when there is a feeling of animosity in the air…
S: You better not eat then.

NARRATOR: Perhaps the idea that politics, sex and religion should be avoided at the dinner table should have been brought home to them. But what else would they talk about anyway?

N: My name’s Nozi and I’ll be your waitress for tonight.
S: Oh fuck
N: Excuse me?
A: I’m so sorry about him. He’s..
S: Fuck now the PC bitch is even apologising for me
N: Our specials tonight..
A: What vegetarian specials do you do?
RE: The world doesn’t revolve around the two vegetarians at this table.
N: Look, it’s not my fault she doesn’t like any of you.
AFR: What?
H: Who doesn’t like us?
N: I thought you would all know she doesn’t like you.
A: Who are you?
N: Nozi, I thought I mentioned that.
RE: What’s it short for?
N: Nothing
C: What does it mean in english?
N: What’s with the inquisition?
C: I was just being friendly Nozi (pronounces it Nosey)
S: Her name is Nozi not Nosey. So do tell us why she doesn’t like us.
H: It’s clear why she doesn’t like you.
S: Is it?
RE: I’d like the Jalopeno Steak. I don’t want it too spicy though.
S: You’re such a fake Indian

(Phone rings. Nozi answers it)

N: Sawubona .. yebo. sikhona .… ninjani nina .. yebo ..yebo ubaye hleba .. ok .. yebo .. ok .. hambakahle..
RE: Was it her?
N: Yes
A: What did she say?
N: She asked what you were all doing.
AFR: We are bloody well waiting for her.
N: She asked me to check the line fish today.
RE: So she is coming then?
N: I don’t know.
AFR: Not much information forthcoming from the BEE lady.
RE: That’s very racist.
S: This coming from a fake Indian.
C: We’re all hungry. God knows why we are even here. That is, if it’s true she doesn’t even like us.
S: She likes me and strangely enough she like him (refers to H) too.
C: Why would she like you two and not us.
S: She slept with us.
AFR: That doesn’t mean she likes you…she was probably feeling bored and sex starved..
S: Women always have to like men before they sleep with them.
C: Oh rubbish.
H: Have you ever slept with a man you didn’t like before?
C: That’s not the issue..
S: Exactly- proves my point.
AFR: I’m leaving- I’ve had enough time sitting in this fish bowl. (Stands up)
N: Here’s your Morrocan salad. (Places in front of Afr)
AFR: Shit.
N: And your Jalepeno Steak (places in front of Re)
RE: Looks yummy
N: Garlic bread for the table.
A: Where’s our food?
N: You haven’t ordered anything yet.
C: You didn’t bother to ask us.
N: Oh sorry. (walks off)
C: Bloody BEE waitron
RE: Another racist at this table.
H: Easy for you to say when you’ve got food in front of you.
S: Don’t make her angy, she might choke on a chilli pip.
N: Oh sorry madam (places the merlot in front of c) I forgot the merlot.

(There is silence at the table as the garlic bread is passed around. AFR passes her salad around the table and a few characters help themselves. A walks around the table pouring the wine.)

AFR: The last time I saw her she was wearing this bright pink dress and had just died her hair bright red.
C: She’s a blonde. She’s never been anything else.
S: I thought the black hair made her interestingly gothic.
H: I liked the punk phase.
RE: I’ve never seen her dressed anything but fashionably conservative.
C: She dresses sort of Alley Mcbealish.
A: I haven’t actually seen her for a while but she’s always been anti-fashion. I’ve always seen her in long skirts and baggy tie dyed shirts.
S: Talk about being all things to all people.
AFR: What’s Funky Town?
C: Where is Funky Town?
H: This is Funky Town.
N: She owns it.